I know this is another one of those articles that I’m going to get hung for. But I’m just going to go out and say it anyways. Living in Colombia, I’m learning the beautiful art of arguing and keeping my cool, or how I’d otherwise say, saying f*ck you with a smile.
My first lesson was a simple observation really. I was in a restaurant and something happened with the food. I bluntly told the waiter what happened, as any good European would, and he took it personally.
I was totally confused as my intention was never to attack the poor waiter. I didn’t have anything against him, and I knew he surely wasn’t to blame. But he took my complaint to heart and stopped making eye contact with me every time he came up to our table.
I had successfully and unintentionally insulted someone. Good job, Jade!
Soon enough, I started to understand Colombians to be a very non-confrontational society. You’ll rarely see anyone argue with strangers or make a scene.
They will either: 1. passively accept, or 2. be totally calm as they defend their point. Anything to avoid a fight.
The same applies to friends. If friends do something distasteful, ie. show up 2 hours late, they’ll hardly get a slap on the hand from the rest of the group. Let them know their shit stinks and I can assure you that’ll be the last time you’ll see them.
And so it seems that it’s the only way to do things around here. Arguing to defend your point, raising your voice, or not being able to keep your poker face is a sure way to have Colombians shut down and become unresponsive. It’s the absolute reverse effect of what you were going for, wasn’t it?
So, if you’re from the States or Europe and complaining has worked for you in the past, I can assure you it will not in Colombia.
Here are my tips on communicating, dealing, or working with Colombians when you are feeling frustrated.
Never say how you truly feel. Learn to master the unhealthy way of dealing with your feelings and not facing problems head on. It’s better to hide your real feelings if they’re anything other than love and friendship.
Feel happy? In love? Excited? Let the world know how you feel!
Feeling angry? Sad? Frustrated? Hide those feelings like you would a stinky fart and smile instead.
EXAMPLE: Pissed that your friends are not living up to your expectations?
Don’t actually tell them what’s really bothering you! Instead, smile and say something like ‘No pasa nada, nos vemos la proxima!’. By saying this, you are lying to them by telling them nothing is wrong and that you’ll see each other next time, which in Colombia means sometime never!
This is really the key to doing business and getting things to work for you.
As you’ll soon notice if you live in Colombia, working with the average Colombian is VERY difficult…to say the least.
They won’t show up, they won’t call, they won’t update you, 4 weeks will go by and when you’ll finally get in touch they’ll have some lame excuse (probably along the lines of a lost phone).
I’m going to take a wild guess and say that it has something to do with a major issue that Colombian face: saying “NO”. That’s not a popular word in their vocabulary. They’ll agree and say “YES” even if they can’t make it happen. Without thinking of the consequences.
You’ll often hear heads of companies in Colombia describe a good employee as someone who shows up and does the job! Forget being a good employee or having skills. It’s really not hard to stand out.
Back to the point. You will want to bark and rip plenty of people’s heads off if you are in ANY type of managing position. This includes housewives who try to schedule carpenters, plumbers and the likes.
You’ll want to let them know what upset you. And you are very welcome to do so. In a pleasant, passive aggressive way of course. Smile kindly as you tell them what you didn’t appreciate.
Purse your lips, shift your gaze, and shrug your shoulders. Look up at them quickly and repeat.
As you do this movement, instead of accusing them, blame inanimate objects for the trouble caused ie. ‘Se rompió el X…Se cayó…No se termino el X‘, instead of ‘Rompiste el X…Dejaste caer el X….No terminaste X’
‘Que pena’ literally means ‘what a shame’. Oh, the irony, right?
But in Colombia it has a double meaning and holds a special place in the heart of locals. It’s used more often than not to say ‘I’m sorry’.
So imagine a person that does something they are not really sorry for (but probably should be), ‘que pena’ is left up for interpretation. You see where I’m going with this?
Sorry, but NOT sorry. What a shame.
I can write an entire article about ‘que pena’ but I’ll leave you with a general rule of thumb:
When you have something rude to say, want to accuse someone, or simply say it as it is, be sure to place ‘que pena’ in front of whatever you want to say.
That will excuse and soften the blow to the Colombian you’re talking to.
Showing your good manners adds to your eloquent, passive aggressive message and helps hide your real intentions.
Brownie points if you add extra pep in your voice!
Top this all off with a smile and you already look Colombian! Look at you! I’m so proud.
If you’re able to pull off a real smile, this is when you know that you no longer feel angry and have learned to laugh it off. Just let the bullshit roll right off you.
You find that arguing a point or defending what you believe is right is a waste of time and energy.
It’s not worth it, because nothing will ever change here. Things are just the way they are. People are what they are.
Just focus on yourself, your family and loved ones and no one else. Fuck being a decent citizen and human being really!
Or if you are like me, write a blog post about it, laugh about it with all your foreign friends over a cocktail or 3 and tell me what you think in the comment box below!
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I like polite people that don’t tell you the “truth” right away in your face. (I know it can cause problems but so does all this “upfront confrontation” we have in certain countries. Every time I have been very direct and “honest” about my own annoyed feelings it hurts the other person and they get defensive (even in – or especially in – the “straight up ” countries where this is supposedly acceptable.
Amazing!
I’ve been dealing with the things you describe for a year now but no-one in the expat community (75% locals) openly talks about it!
Thanks Alex! I think after so many years I'm becoming a proper Colombian!
Jade!
I just found your blog by browsing the internet for colombian snacks. I’m a native colombian but I live in the States, anyway!, I am adoring your blog, the way your portray bogotanos and the city itself. It’s very real and you give out helpful tips for visitors. Is bogotanos truly are something else haha. I loved your explanation of “que pena”. You’re great, keep up the good work.
LOL!!! You are 100% spot on with the “que pena”.
Really enjoyed your blog 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it!
Hello Nicoll! Thank you for your kind words, glad you enjoyed it 😊
Insightful! I briefly dated a Colombian man and stopped when I found out he was married! I confronted him on it (contrary to all your advice which I just found) and his reason for not telling me was that I hadn’t asked him! Really! I countered and told him I had specifically asked him about his family. In any event, he then told me that his marriage had “problems” (which is what all married men say when they are liars and cheaters) and that he had “kids”…ie from more than his marriage. He then continued to tell me he was trying to be a better person in his life. That’s about as much as one can expect from a Colombian man and no I don’t expect him to change. Right after this he told me we could continue to have casual sex and he didn’t mind if I dated four or five other men (ie he prefers a slut).
Katherine,
Colombian men are known to be very laid back when it comes to relationships. They are also the womanizer type and very good at smooth-talking. They can be as charming as it gets, but you have to keep an out for them because they are good at having multiple relationships or what they call “atrocity en bajo”.
Sorry this happened to you!
'arrocito* en bajo'
I'm so sorry to hear Catherine! That sounds terrible.
Haha this is so spot on. I can sense my Colombian friends' passive agression a mile away. XD what a great informative post!!
Buahahahahaha, I can smell it in the air here in Bogota!
I am laughing so hard right now, but also quite in shock. My Colombian boyfriend is the King of passive aggression. I have ALWAYS wondered “why didn’t he just tell me before how he really feels?” Here in the states, this level of passive aggression is correlated with arrogance for obvious reasons- because the person has full freedom to say what they feel and if they don’t, then that’s clearly passive aggression. I have been so confused because he doesn’t seem to have ill intent. This makes perfect sense! Now I know I can believe his reasons for why he didn’t tell me! In addition, he always has pointed out explanations for why it’s important to be polite- which I’ve also found odd. I’ve always thought “you don’t need to explain to me why it is important for one to be polite.” NOW I understand-Thanks for sharing.
Hello Ellie, I'm so glad you found the article helpful and were able to get a good laugh😘
I am back to Bogotá after 33 years of absence. I found your article right on the dot. Bogotá has changed tremendously since I was here last. I learned to keep a low profile by observing people’s behavior. I will be leaving soon back to my home country. Great article and great since of humor. Thank you.
Hi Ami, thank you for your comments. I am glad you enjoyed my article and relate.
It must be said as well that this is only your point of view and your experience.
Yes of course 😊
Jade! I love this last article 🙂
I’m back to Colombia and we’re meeting future partners all over the country. Different country, different customs, different rules ^^
Thank you for these great tips 🙂
So glad I could be of service!